Infertility sucks.It's funny to call it infertility because I'm not really infertile. I'm quite fertile actually. Fertile and physically unable to safely have a baby. They lump that in with infertility I guess. That's the term they've been using.
I need to have Faith.
And I don't I guess.
Because I agonize.
I'm doing all that I can do and NOTHING IS HAPPENING. I hand delivered my fingerprints to the state a month ago. Today I called for an update and no one has any idea what happened to them. This is the fifth or sixth time this has happened. I need those finger prints for the last part of our state certification so that we could adopt from foster care. But no. I'd like to point out here that we have been trying to be licensed since 2007. Is it 2010? Yes, it is. Are we certified. Nope.
And I've done all that I can do.We can't afford agency adoption so I've tried "marketing" myself http://www.buildingaforeverfamily.blogspot.com/ . Hasn't worked.I joined an adoption social networking site and every day they send me information on "situations." They go something like this...
URGENT NEED OF ADOPTIVE FAMILYBM JessicaAfrican AmericanResides in GA5' 7" Brown eyes, Brown Hair20 yrs oldSingleNo drugs, alcohol, tobaccoBaby was full termBorn 10/20/09BM family supports decisonHas Medicaid coveragereason - cannot support childOpen to meeting adoptive familyBF John5'6'', 190, brown eyes, brown hairAge 21Aware of adoptionWill consent to adoptionAgency Fees $22,500Includes post placement expenses for BMNo Medical expensesEstimated legal $5000
And every day I want to scream because I don't have $27,000.00 but they have an urgent need and I have an urgent desire. Each and every situation I think, "That's my baby and I can't do anything about it." Especially today, when I got a picture. He was so cute. Little dimples. A perfect clefted chin and the most gorgeous milk chocolate brown skin.
I've learned over the past couple years about baby-selling. A lot of what the adoption system is about is a corrupt system getting as much as they can out of babies. White babies are more expensive than Black babies. Prices are somewhat negotiable. If I had 40k I could have a baby tomorrow. It's sickening.
And here I am with no baby.
But not empty.
Because downstairs my girls are laughing. And they are the reason I want more children. It's because of the fullness of joy they give that I feel an empty spot.
So we'll keep trying...And I'll try to water my teensy seed of Faith.
Because I know He knows me...
...and I have no idea of my beautiful future that he has planned.
